The way to a woman's heart

Chocolates or flowers?  Flowers made of chocolate? The ideas which were running through my mind this morning as planned my overt expression of pseudo love.  Morally wrong one might assume, but qualifying it myself I reason that most relationships are love-less anyway, so it doesn't matter.  And, this is merely a curtain raiser for my full frontal assault on Sue.

So, in the end I went with flowers.  I forgot how expensive they were, couldn't really go for the half price daffodils from Tesco, hardly a knock over, yet the roses were pricey.  I went for the mid-range seasonal tulips, surely a knock out...

A game of chess

After several drinks with Steve, much discussion on the finer points of life, induced by the eternal philosophical nature of beer I came to one simple conclusion.  That although Sue is married I should not let that stop me pursuing her.  Strange thing is though, I don't actually fancy her, nonetheless the chase of a married woman is hugely appealing.

The advice which was offered to me was to formulate a strategy, not just simply try and date two women from one office, as this would end in tears, possibly eye gouging and a P45, but to carefully plan future moves, much like chess.  So tomorrow I'm moving my pawn forward, my own version of the Queen's Gambit I like to think of it.  In a sacrificial move I'm going to formally let Sue down, tell her I can't be involved with her, handing my pawn over to the black attack.  Next I will make it publicly known how 'crazy' I am for Cindy, turning it into a whirlwind romance.  So as black steals my defenceless pawn, Sue will become consumed by jealousy, exacerbating her feelings, leaving her open for a counter attack.  This is when my second strike force will come into play.  Utilising her vulnerable emotional state I will pounce on her, offering her my affections which by this point she will be unable to resist.  There's a lot riding on this, my strategy is risky but it offers a nice bounty.  Operation 'Double timing Queen's Gambit' begins at 9 O'clock tomorrow, when I start work.

Built on shifting sands

Singing in the shower, providing a running commentary whist making breakfast, talking into the mirror, these are things that I don't do, never have and never...oh, shit I did this morning.  Well why?  I awoke alone didn't I?  Didn't get lucky?  Taxi for one?  Well yes this is true, but something was different this time, I felt alive.  They say a lot can happen in 24 hours and it can, except in my case it was 3 hours, more like 30 minutes actually, well to be pedantic about it was 30 seconds, the half a minute in which Sue's leg snaked up my calf like a hungry Anaconda.  In that moment I became wanted, sought after material, not the washed up shirt wearing mothball which I feel I am.  In that moment I had two women, in one room, both desiring my touch.  For me, this is the ordinary man's Hollywood, glamour at its best.  There wasn't paparazzi outside my window lets just be clear on that, nor have I received any offers from Hello magazine, but for me I was James Dean, and my Ford Focus?  Well that was a Rolls, of course, what else would a Playboy drive?  I know I'm being consumed by fantasy and I have often resented my long hours of daydreaming that led to optimism only to be crushed by reality, but I'm learning now that fantasy is a rehearsal for life.

I've decided its my time to learn an instrument, sick of being the wallflower I'm going to be the one plucking the strings, these two women will combine as one to become my fiddle, and I shall play them appropriately.  I will need a music lesson though, some advice on life from an eternal womaniser friend of mine, I'll meet Steve later today.

You wait ages for a bus, then...

What I find surprising in life is the hidden face of desire that seems only to emerge when one is engaging in activities with another, meaning that, by 'coincidence', Sue was at the George and Dragon, my local pub, when I took Cindy there last Friday.  All seemed to be going well, I got my seat near the blazing fire, threw a lump of wood on as soon as I got there, and within minutes Cindy was stripping off.  Well, removing her cardigan, revealing a voluptuous cleavage which I furtively admired when sipping my pint.  I also noticed that I could stare at her breasts by spying her reflection in the window opposite, but it wasn't great and I didn't want her to think I was staring into space, bored of her tales about her kitten, which I was.  My carefully planned night of conversation topics, memorised beforehand, was working brilliantly, there were few awkward silences and my mind started to free up, I unwittingly found myself producing spontaneous conversation, with even the odd joke thrown in for good measure.

Enter Sue, who seemed far too flabbergasted to be true to see us, with Bill, her husband.  I felt a wave of panic, induced by an uncomfortable sensation that my night had been irreversibly interrupted.  This was confirmed in a whirlwind of activity that seemed to pass in a millisecond, in the midst of 'Hi' 'nice to see you' I found that two had became four and Sue was sat opposite me.  Bill, the bastard, was milking my hard work with a front row seat in front of a semi-naked pair of breasts, I couldn't even see Cindy's reflection anymore either.

My mind was totally distracted, thrown into turmoil, what was she doing?  Was she out to sabotage my date night?  It certainly seemed like it when she started raising uncomfortable issues from my past, like my ex, too much information for Cindy's virginal ears.  Bill looked like a confused child, out of place and longing to get away.  Concentrating on directing the conversation onto more generic matters, such as weather, I lost sight of how bored Cindy had become.  I was only aware of this when she suddenly 'remembered' she had to pick her kitten up from her sisters who was looking after it.  That had to be a lie to get out of the situation, yet she did seem very passionate about her kitten, it's a small glimmer of hope to pathetically cling onto.

When Cindy left to go to the toilet my left leg suddenly felt like it was being humped by a randy dog on heat, I widened my eyes to see a sultry stare coming back at me, consumed with some App on his Iphone, Bill was oblivious to the potential extramarital affair brewing only a couple of feet away from him.  This is something I could not have foreseen, nor did I expect to get a text message later that night from Sue asking me to meet her after work tomorrow.  In a string of surprises I also got a text from Cindy saying she had a lovely night, and wants to meet again.  It would seem as though Casanova now has a new rival, but at this moment in time I still have my porn DVD and the Internet.  Going to work now has much more of an edge, I'm actually looking forward to it!

The foundations of a plan are in well laid precautions

When I said I hope it doesn't spread like wildfire I didn't expect it too, however after opening the door to work today I became educated in what a backdraft is.  My very being in the room was like oxygen to a smoldering mess of embers, all ready to fire off questions like a loaded shotgun.  It wasn't like a red carpet event, I wasn't the toast of the town, more the subject of incredulous looks and glares, sarcastic calls of Romeo echoed throughout.  Believe it or not I didn't mind, the numbness of work  often leads to excessive interest in gossip and if they have nothing else to talk/think about then I'm happy to provide them with some food for thought.  The reason this has generated so much interest is that my actions are out of character, never in my eight sad years there have I successfully hit on someone.  I even think Sue from accounts is a bit jealous, I over heard her talking to Phil in the kitchen about how she thinks Cindy is fake, dipsy and all hairspray.  I'm growing in confidence just thinking about this, has Sue always fancied me a bit?  Who knows, but some harmless flirting to test the water might be a good idea.  Thinking about it she is married though, and for ten years I think, yet this could simply mean she's bored, ready for a new exercise, not going to waste too much brain power on this one though, got tomorrow night to think of.

There's a local pub/restaurant near to where I live, it has a charming open fire place, romantic?  Sure it is, and I'm going to strategically place her so close to it she'll have to shed layers, which is genius considering she will already be removing her clothes before shes even had a drink.  Downside is that should she only have one layer on in the first place then she'll have to sweat it out like a pig, which is amusing me already, she's probably too polite to ask to move tables.

I've taken all necessary precautions, washed my bed sheets, removed the crusty cum filled sock from under my mattress, taken the mouldy tea cup out of my room and most importantly ejected the porn disk from the DVD player.  I don't want any slip-ups should she be brave enough to accept the world's most famous and renowned euphemism, 'coffee' at the end of the night.  I, like all other men, will naturally assume she has taken her necessary precautions by swallowing the magic pill.  Tomorrow night is date night...

(Note from Mr Pensive, if anyone from the USA reads this then can you get in touch with him?)